I have been here many times checking out a couple blogs from time to time and thanks to my friend Mary I decided to come here because like her this place can definitely set your free and you can been as uncensored as you want (well what I mean there is that I no longer have to worry about certain people like family reading my stuff on Myspace) and really say what I want to say and be open and honest with my emotions and feelings. I have written many blogs and many personal but I always hold back. I will continue to blog on myspace but I think when it comes to what I really want to say I will post it here
Again Mary said in a blog of hers that she said she was craving something but was not sure if it was love, work, etc etc to make her feel like complete or satisfied and that is how I been feeling for the past year to be honest. Last night at my company holiday party at the "after" party I was talking to some coworkers and this question came up about you know you want more in life and we are sold at a young age that we need love to feel complete or we need to have a career in order to have success or we need to have this or that to make us happy when the reality is you can be happy at any time and any moment in your life if you CHOOSE to be because in the end its all about YOU and no one can make you feel anything unless you allow them to.
Yeah I grew up with the American dream that I had to go to college to get a "great" job and that I was going ot meet "the one" and after that both get careers THEN get married then have a kid and live in a white picket fence house. Yeah I was THAT naive! But life doesnt go the way you think it will and things always change and for me I always felt I needed to get married to feel true happiness. It wasn't the career but love that had me up until this pats year thinking it would bring me total complete satisfaction in life and true happiness. I have changed alot of the past years. I have become bitter in many ways and jaded beyond jaded on some many things. I almost now FEAR marriage due to hearing great friends, coworkers and online people divorcing.
Do I want to be in a relationship? HELL YEAH! But do I want to be having fights and breaking up a year or years down the road? They say its best to have loved than to have never loved at all and I have loved but I have never had such a relationship where well... the move in kind or the marriage kind. I had one true love and that relationship was the greatest but yet the roughest toughest thing when it ended even to date I am still in pain here and there about it. Yes, I have moved on and yes I have put that final chapter to rest but once in a great whlie it still comes up and hurts because even to date there are some things that have not been totally admitted or said but I will always love her no matter what. I was and am sorry for what I said and told her but it was all out of hurt and pain for what she did at the end and way after it was over. I am not putting all blame on anyone because I am not perfect and no one is. Shit happens and diarrhea happened there!
I do have issues! I am not confident and I have fears. I have been doign online dating since early May and to date whenever I do go on dates they are great and they are cute and i want to see them more but they juts smile and give me the yeah lets do it but then dont call or lie or deceive. I know whats wrong... its me ...phsyically they are not attracted to me. I am either ugly and definitely my body. It sucks because even when I was thin nothing happened so I relaly must be just not attractive to anyone that I like. That stings and really hurts a lot. I am a great nice guy but *sigh* I just dont have it... I dont have that well thing that women want or need and I do fear being alone but you know what? Fuck it if I am... little by little as time goes by I am more okay with that. Better to be alone than to be in a jail cell with someone you just dont love or want to be with.
Damn straight! I am free! Here is to Freedom!